My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”