The Punning Dead.
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.