Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Welcome to the stomach
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE