HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.