“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.