Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.