Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
so much to do
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”