If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.