*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You Might Also Like
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”