i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.