You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.