what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
How to find Kentucky on a map
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.