My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
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– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that