Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I don’t get marriage
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Is fake venison called venisn’t