[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
never deleting this app.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.