“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute