None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
what does he know…
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.