The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
You Might Also Like
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Name this drama.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
the noise i just made
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
This is my favorite one of these!
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”