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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*