“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I cannot stop laughing at this
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?