When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Monday?
No. Next question.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.