150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My first child will be named New Folder.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.