In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Phonetics
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder