[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.