The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Yep.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I hate everything
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?