My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy