*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one