PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice