My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My plans: 2020:
This is not me but this is me
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
#parenting
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
how to market bottled water to dads
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?