So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.