[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
“How’s your day going?”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.