Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Bond. Trauma bond.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so