All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Left at a local drug store…
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???