Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Did I do this right
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”