Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Camping tip: No.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…