Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*ernest hemingway voice*
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*frowns in Scottish*