waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do