I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Weirdly Wednesday.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day