Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
You Might Also Like
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.