If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.