COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
You Might Also Like
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.