I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
You Might Also Like
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
felt that
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved