Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
congratulations to them
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?