Jupiter
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Breaking news:
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.