I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
for all #parents out there
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.