[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
You Might Also Like
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Miscakes
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?