Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
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Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Thinking about Jeff
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets