I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”