Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
A friend sent me this.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.