Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Hero horse inspires millions
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission